mother nature's daughter
i will never be something that i'm not. i can try. wear the uniform. pretend. fake the funk. but at the end of the day, i'm just gonna be me. and i'm cool with that. seems that i'm alone in this sentiment. because for the life of me, i cannot figure out whydafuck so many people have decided that i am to be this gentle, delicate creature, always overflowing in love and light. and love. and light. and light. and love... you get the point.
the truth is. erm. my truth is... that's some bullshit. that's just not who i am. nor how i roll. that's not where i come from. nor where i am going. there's no such thing as constant love and light. ok. maybe the love... i'll come back to that. but. there's no such thing as constant light. in the twenty-four hours that we call day, half of that shit is dark (at least closer to the equator). candles burn out. lighbulbs dim. and yeah the sun is always shining somewhere - but even it hasn't figured out how exactly to do that shit everywhere all the time. nor would we want it to, ehh Alaska?
so why should i, a mere mortal, be expected to shine my happy happy joy joy self all over the dang world every second of every day? because some hippie said i should? nah brah. fuck that shit. everyone's walk is different. this shall be mine. i am exploring this issue because lately, i've been sitting with so much energy. so much pain. so much past. and i'm releasing it. in said releasing, the way i view my inside world is changing. in turn, the way i interact with the outside world must change.
fear is being replaced with a courage that i've never ever ever ever known. i find myself standing up for myself in places where i'd once let shit slide, walking away feeling confused and uncomfortable, damn near unsure of myself. keeping my mouth shut 'less i be seen as the angry black woman. which goes without saying, much of the stuff that's been arising within is related to my race and gender and how it's perceived in this world...
it hasn't been easy. having to take an honest assessment of myself and seeing the places where i've devalued myself, because this society has not assigned much value to being black nor a woman. i've had to look at how i subconsciously chose and tried to make uncomfortable white people feel less intimidated and less fearful of my presence. i realized how i'd even looked at other blacks and women of all races with less education/experience/stuff than i've had and have seen them as inferior. and myself as inferior against other blacks and women of all races with more education/experience/stuff than i. all because of what i was raised to believe and value. again. not an easy assessment. (apologies y'all. i ain't mean no harm.)
that said, in making such an assessment, change is what naturally follows. i am recognizing & choosing to appreciate the value in who i am. fuck what i am. or what i have. if any person chooses to feel uncomfortable around me, it is not my job to pacify them or to do anything but keep on being lil ol' me. that is their shit to deal with. i do not have to, nor will i, water down the style of my hair, the manner in which i speak, the vibrance of this personality because someone cannot handle the truth of my being. fuck. that. shit. i will not accept positions where more is expected of me than a white and/or male counterpart while being paid less. i will not accept poor treatment and pretend that it's okay. i damn sure will no longer sit back biting my tongue when presented with some racist bullshit. and lastly. representing for my beautifully powerful sistas all around this planet, i refuse to accept further continued disrespect at the hands and/or mouths of chauvinistic male-children (for they are not men).
all of the behavior above that i am choosing to disavow has gone on for too fucking long. way too fucking long. all mixed up as okay in our dna. it. is. not. the same race-based, second class bullshit treatment that my grandmother experienced, i have experienced (sans signs). the same sexist bullshit my mom dealt with in her workplace, i have dealt with too (but with equal protection laws). which is why it must end with me. it must. fuck giggling it away. or waving it off with my delicate little hand. i am tired. we are tired. and am consciously coming at it with the full force of all of my ancestors. and not in the space of being on the offense, out in the streets stirring up trouble. nah. but if it shows up at my front door... i will not back down from it. like my grandma used to say, "don't start none, won't be none."
but when i've come out and chosen to stand up for myself, as in being left without choice to tell a man that "i don't owe him shit for being beautiful" after he disrespectfully harrassed me when i declined to dance with him. or when someone else proceeded to tell me how they're not a racist, but then uttered some crazy racist shit to me and i replied with "well that was some racist shit you just said" - i'm told that i am too harsh. that i'm not spreading love. that i'm not... light.
what about self-love? am i being loving to myself if i accept undesired and blatantly disrespectful male-child behavior? am i being loving to myself if i allow hateful and hurtful commentary to flow unchecked towards myself? am i being loving to anyone if i do not stand up and say "no. i will not stand for this form of aggression!?" no. no. and no. i love myself way too much to allow abusive treatment that i do not give myself and surely do not give others.
and so. to everyone who's noticed the change in me. and would like to remind me of a "need" to be soft and gentle and love and light. get your life and worry about yourself. because like i so poignantly noted and commented to a well-meaning friend who suggested that i am wrong for choosing to stand up strong for myself - "mother nature moves in sunshine & storms... rainbows & butterflies are for calm days. thunder & lightning are for times such as now." don't get yourself struck, ya hear.