LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!*

 
I ain’t fighting with y’all... For free. Prepay with the cash transfer app of your choice.

I ain’t fighting with y’all... For free. Prepay with the cash transfer app of your choice.

Folks on social media LOVE getting into fights with other folks on social media. Usually over absolutely nothing… Bragging rights? Clout? Or, to quote my Civil Procedure professor in response to an inane comment by one of the usual suspects** - “Do you really believe that or are you just trying to impress us with how smart you are?” - And yes, that shit was said. Out loud. To which the rest of my class uttered both applause and a huge sigh simultaneously. I digress. But seriously, I truly don’t understand the reason behind this particular fuckery - maybe folks running all around life without real shit actually happening in it, so they resort to making shit happen the best way they know how. Troll ass motherfuckers starting all kinds of shit in these internets.

Now. I’m not even going to pretend that I ain’t never been in and/or caused a social media fight. In my defense, the internet was young. As was I. Thank Goddess NPR shutdown their comment section before I could rack up enough censures to get banned from the site. But. Y’all. These days, I got better shit to do. For reals. But it seems that each and every time I post a seemingly innocuous comment, somebody gotta come along and try to break bad with me. Like I’m Aaron Paul or some shit. For instance. Just a week ago, in response to a post about Jeff Bozos’ (I meant to do that) decision to cut benefits for part-time Whole Foods employees, I made a comment to the effect of, “Yet we still support these organizations that show time and time again that they value profit over people.” Y’all. Y’all. And for effect - Y’all! Why this chick come at me and basically call me ableist. What? Yeah. She made THAT leap. Said that people with disabilities don’t have a choice but to shop at Amazon. (Really? What did they do before 1994? And are there no other online stores? #curious) And then went on a rant about plastic straw bans. Like my comment was even about that. And. Like I’m the cause of all things difficult for people with disabilities. (I’m not, for the record.) But. Y’all. Da fuck? Mind you, I really think this poor soul stalks my posts or something because I could have sworn that nearly 2 years ago, I posted something about the ease of making ones own yogurt instead of buying individual plastic cups because of the difficulty in recycling said cups and that poor soul or someone similar came at me about people with disabilities only having one option for eating yogurt and how that relates to plastic straw bans… Yo.

Walk with me, talk with me… Nothing in my comments could be construed to be ableist. And if you or your mama think so, y’all reaching like a fucking toothbrush out this bitch. Further, my comments were never meant to be a fucking prescription for the whole damn world. Just two fucking pennies. But this soul. Yo. Reeeeaching. Trying her damndest to rope me into a bullshit argument that I really ain’t have nor want the spoons for (is THAT is ableist???). Fuck that shit. I do not engage with folks on Facebook or any other social media site because I’m looking for a fight. I do it to add my motherfucking thoughts to a motherfucking conversation from time to time or to just simply share the inner workings of my motherfucking mind. Which I thought was the purpose…

Venus in Zelle, bitches.

Venus in Zelle, bitches.

But. Some of y’all be doing way too much. Posting controversial viewpoints just to have somebody to argue with. Warmth by friction much? I honestly could not give a lesser fuck about what you think about any particular topic. If I see that your point might be steeped in a touch of ignorance, I am nowhere invested in pulling you out of said ignorance. Stay where the fuck you are. You ain’t that serious, boo boo. (Shout out to the so-called super spiritual fuckhats who like to try to get others riled up with triggering bullshit. You ain’t that serious either. And. Fuck you.) And I got shit to do. It might be better, it very well might not. Still, folks be trying to rope me into their bullshit like I ain’t go to school for that shit. And by that shit, I mean the study of law. A whole ass profession dedicated to arguing. Like I didn’t walk across the stage for that shit. Like I didn’t sit down for two (2) whole ass days (make that four (4) - I failed the first time) being tested on that shit. Like I ain’t get sworn into two (2) jurisdictions for that shit. Or that I don’t pay yearly bar dues to be able to do that shit. Y’all. Although my current work doesn’t involve arguing, I CAN get paid for that shit. I could be a (damn good) litigator if I wanted to get paid to argue all damn day. But for reasons that have to do with maintaining a good life/work balance and low blood pressure, we’re here. So I am sure as hell not about to argue with someone not in my weight class for stuff I have no interest in developing clots over.

That said. A few months back on a Facebook post, I declared that I would no longer argue on social media for free. And I mean that shit. So. To those out there looking to rumble with Miss Rachel, the price list above applies. If you ain’t got the coins, I ain’t got the time. Argue with your mama. I hope she charge your ass too.

*For a fee. That ain’t small.

**Folks who’ve attended law school will know exactly who I mean by this…

Disclaimer: The work offered in this post does not constitute legal advice or the practice of law. Reading these bad words does not constitute an attorney/client relationship between you and Rachel M. Walls, nor does purchasing a social media fight package - as that also does not constitute legal advice or the practice of law. Just real smoke - for those in need.