girrrrl i heard...

 photo: dee photography

photo: dee photography

gossip. that shit suuuucks. you know it. i know it. we know it. but unfortunately, it's like it's damned near ingrained into the very make up of all that is human. on some molecular dna type shit. seems like everywhere everybody is so freaking concerned with what everybody else got going on. from celebrities, to lil man down the street, no one is safe from watchful eyes ready to spread the word. and ya know what? i'm over that shit. ya know why? 'cause i have enough going on in my own damned life that i could give a fuck about what is happening in hers. or his. but i don't.

i wasn't always this way. nah. i used to eat that shit up. if gossip could sustain, i'd have rolled it out, filled it with more gossip, baked that shit and served it right on up. shoo, when i wasn't hearing it, i was spreading it. and if i ain't have new news, i'd make some shit up.  because girl. guess what i heard! yup your girl was all about blowing up trivial events like... let's just say what biggie said.

and ya know. i can't even begin to think of the number of people i've hurt running my damned mouth about shit that ain't have a damned thing to do with me. (twimc, sincere apologies). because seriously. that shit is hurtful. you can act like it doesn't bother you. but. come on... you shared something deeply personal with one of your "friends" and that 'bama (yeah, i went dc on y'all) done went and told every-freaking-body. people you don't even like. i don't care how hard you try to be. that shit hurts. 

but before my sudden transformation, more than the damned oxygen in my lungs, i just needed to 'be in the know.' to 'spill some tea.' to everyone and anyone. why, you wonder? 'cause wasn't a thing happening in my life. and if it were, i was way too caught up in the goings on of others that i couldn't be bothered by my own. 'cause girl, let me tell you...' little did i know i was telling 'girl' that she couldn't trust me. that if she were to share a secret with me, before she could even get that shit out, i'd be sending smoke signals and morse code to all equally situated. and by equally situated, i mean folks not having shit going on in their lives either.

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the switch happened to me a little more than a year ago. confronted day after day after day with other peoples' madness, i couldn't take it no more! that shit made me feel so fucking uncomfortable. my skin crawled. my stomach churned. and who wants that shit? i realized that it was time for me to shut the fuck up. mind my own damned business.

wondering how a lifelong gossip could make such a switch? well now... i just woke up one morning and stopped. seriously. nothing else to it... when confronted with the same bullshit blabber discussed the day before, i said nothing. instead of my usual way of standing tall on my little soapbox with all sorts of 'i know, girl' and 'if i was you, i'd...' i ain't even add a foul look to the conversation. and as fast as i stopped, my former go-to gossips noticed what was up and they shut the fuck up too. one actually thanked me! #truestory

and now. i find myself confronted with the karmic remnants of a gossipy past, yet again... but this time, i've been the subject of that shit. in conversations between people i once called friends. that shit hurts. especially since i've changed my chatty ways. for reals. when i find myself in places where such mindless chatter abounds, i'm out - without hesitation. and have even gone so far as to look another soul dead in the eyes and tell them that "i will not discuss her with you." #anothertruestory yes. i said that. and still, i'm getting it back. 

which, even though it hurts a bit, i'm kinda okay with it. because what i know about these particular gossips is, what i came to know about myself: i was fucking miserable. and because of my personal misery, i just had to uncover everyone else's and put that shit on blast. 'cause you know what they say about misery and what it loves...

so instead of anger with the mere reflections of the woman i once was, i'm looking back at my former self and forgiving her. finding compassion for her. and for them. but don't get it twisted. i am also hearing ya' loud and clear girl... when you tried to tell me about so-and-so's problems, all i heard you say is i cannot trust you. and i believe it.