excuse me as i f you up with a lil of this...
only if i have to. because it's truth. and i'm told it can hurt. especially when you go about wielding it all irresponsibly... a few weeks back, i wrote this article all about telling yourself the truth. and being willing to tell it to others. weyell... so much more is coming up for me about this very important matter. this time, it's all about its variances.. yes. there are variances in truth. because none of us walking the planet walk the same mile in the same shoes ever.
and so. there are as many versions of the truth as there are human beings. my truth is mine and mine alone. as is yours. and it's occurred to me that so many of us are in so much misery and turmoil because we've seemingly confused what belongs to whom. and we constantly believe that our truth is superior to all others - then we push that shit out on everybody and become upset when their truth collides with our own.
because maybe they don't want to live in the place you think is perfect for them. maybe they aren't into the guy you can just see them with. maybe they're not interested in converting to your religion, or your chosen way of life, or vegetarianism,* for that fucking matter! and maybe they would have been but because you came at them so fucking forcefully, they've just lost all kinds of interest in learning more about the plans you've come up with for their lives... true stories. i know!
and lately, i've found myself in a tough position of having to harshly defend my truth. it goes a little something like this: someone says that they think something or other is the right thing for me. i consider it for a moment and say - uhh, no, that's not my thing. and instead of simply accepting what the fuck i just said about said thing not being my thing, the other person comes back and attempts to convince me to do/think/feel/believe as they do. then i stab them. no. i don't. but. sometimes, oh, if i could... yes. it's that serious.
but no, i end up having to defend my decision not to acquiesce in whatever mad scheme the other person has cooked up for my life. for reals. and a few times it has escalated into heated arguments that i walk away from like - 'what?! wtf was that? why is it so important to this other soul that my life fits some mold that they don't even live by?' it's happened to me several times of late. and is taking all kinds of reserve to honor myself without dismembering another human being in the process. so now i am asking myself - why does this shit keep happening to me!?
and the answer is because of me. i've attracted this madness into my life. yep. sho' have. you see, for many years, i played the role of 'someone' and/or 'other person.' i've seen people on their paths and for some unknown [read: crazy] reason, i've taken it upon myself to act as if i have every damned answer for every question presented in their lives. i've told people the proper way to raise their children. i've told others to avoid certain career paths. what foods they should or shouldn't eat. and yes, i've played the role of forceful matchmaker, determined to put two undesiring souls together. yes. all of that.
and i'm realizing the error of my ways. i realize that i behaved in such a rude and condescending manner because i didn't know the truth of my err, truth. i didn't feel confident enough in the choices i'd made, so i sought to make others feel less confident in their own. all subconsciously, no doubt. and if i could get someone to see and/or do things my way, it gave me the instant high of validation - a smug 'i knew it!'
which is why today, i can admit that it was downright pompous of me to believe that i know how life works for everyone and what the world needs (save the whole love thing, but that's a pretty much universal thing. and if nothing else, a rather decent song.).
and you know what? it freaking sucks that it's come back at me. damn you karma!!! it makes the skin of my soul crawl when someone tells me that my truth is wrong. like they even know or trust their own dang truth... i sincerely apologize to all who suffered at the hands of know-it-all rachel. i admit it. i didn't and i don't know what's best for you. only you do. and so. i mindfully choose to stay in my own lane. mind my own dang business. and am asking all of the 'someones,' 'other persons,' and 'know-it-alls' to do the same. thank you. and you're welcome.
*yes. this represents a personal attack on every christian, buddhist, crossfitter, vegetarian, and vegan that has attempted to convert me in my entire life. every. single. one. of. them.