and i saw my reflection...

reflection.jpg

i can be a judgmental motherfucker. seriously. always looking for the catch. the fine print. the error... in just about everything. and of course, everyone. show me a picture of mother teresa, and i can tell you all the ways 'she ain't no saint.' as if i am. well...

i don't know where or how this began. because i remember being this way since about the time i can remember being. unable to appreciate the little shit in life, because i've been focused on the little shit. hating a movie in its entirety because of one minor production slip (e.g. lipstick that didn't leave a mark in 'l.a. confidential' - in my defense, it is a period piece, but still...). deciding that i dislike a person because of a shared facebook post of a meme containing a misspelled word. and don't get me started on folks with opinions opposed to my own... all the little shit.

honestly, my behavior hurts me way more than anyone else i've judged. and so recently, i've begun exploring all the negative thoughts that pop up in my mind on a regular. attempting to understand them so that i can heal myself and release them. because focusing on all the little shit ain't healthy. what i've come to realize is that for much of my life, i've operated from a place of survival. a constant scanning of the world for what's wrong, which i'm told, is rooted in my basic humanity. yeah. i'm blaming this shit on mama nature.

you see, the first humans (hunter/gatherers) didn't always know what was safe and what wasn't when it came to basic shit like uhh, eating or not getting eaten. so until they could be sure that they wouldn't die from shit that we take for granted, they were skeptical as a motherfucker. as they should have been. it was all about trial and error. which often meant life or death. serious survival shit. fast-forward thousands of years, my brain seems to remain hardwired to survive like theirs. and i don't doubt that i'm influenced by a few of my more recent ancestors and their desire to remain among the living in a country that worked them and those similarly situated (uhh, enslaved people) to death. just saying...

life is a lot different these days. most of the figuring out of what is safe and what isn't is already known, so we don't have to worry about whether something can be eaten or whether a lion is gonna jump out from behind that building. but. the mind, or should i say my mind, hasn't stopped looking out for what might kill me. and yes. i am aware that bad grammar has never killed anyone, but i'm not exactly signing up to be its first victim.

in taking a look at my thoughts focused on surviving, it's clear that everything that i've perceived as a threat in this world is what i see as wrong in me. all of the imperfections, hateful interactions, opposing opinions, and yes, even the poor grammar - all things that i've not acknowledged and/or healed within me. which then triggers ridiculous self-righteousness, leading to judgment - of them.

that chick attempting control over me represents nothing more than my own attempts at controlling others - with an underlying inability to control myself. the dude doing or saying something disrespectful to me, is also me - revealing all the ways i disrespect others, and... gulp, myself. the people yelling messages of hate and division - my spitting image. everything that i see in this world is a reflection of what is happening within. yeah. i had to say it again. because. damn.

which isn't a totally bad thing. i happen to see a lot of good in this world. random acts of beautiful humanity at work. peace, love, and happiness displayed all around me. and more often than not, the well-written meme. which means that i can't be all bad. or my thoughts, for what it's worth. still. my mind is always scanning for potential threats like it's the fucking nsa. and i. am. sick. of. this. shit.

so. what does one do? that. i've not yet figured out. but. i'm sitting with my judgments. getting to understand them. figuring out where they've come from and what they're communicating to me about myself. inviting them to stay, so that i can get to know them better. because, i've learned from such spiritual teachers like buddhist nun pema chodron, that "nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." and i'm ready for this shit ta go. ya know?

thus far, i've noticed the creation of conflict. energy of betrayal. a fear of imperfection... pandora's box of overwhelming emotions, it seems. but i'm doing the work. facing myself head on. staring at a woman in the midst of a major beautification project. leading to the reflection of my authentic self: a woman who has moved from surviving to thriving. traded judgment for acceptance. she's gentle, kind, vulnerable, standing in her power, and completely in love with herself. all of this being reflected back from what she sees in this world. ♡