the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth
so help you God. yeah, i said you. meant it too. because this oath is for you. for you to say to yourself. to mean for yourself. because there is nothing, i mean nothing, more freeing than telling yourself the truth. trust me. i've spent too much of this life denying, pretending, and lying to myself about how i've really felt. putting a brave face on situations that didn't honor this woman. from jobs to relationships, there have been quite a few instances where i just couldn't be honest with me. let alone everyone else.
and as it is with most unresolved issues, my inability to be true to myself began in childhood. i didn't feel comfortable or safe enough to choose my truth in the face of a controlled environment. so i learned early on to disregard what i felt, in favor of how i'd be seen if... yeah. a walking, talking, breathing human chameleon. fuck how i felt. i became more concerned with how i looked. and it just grew and festered until it became something i believed i couldn't control.
bad relationships that suffocated the very nature of my being, i stayed committed to because of how i thought we appeared externally. things that didn't sit well with my spirit, i tolerated, for the sake of appearances. 'oh, he's got a great place and is good looking... who cares that he's a complete dick?' 'this one's a very successful and prominent industryman... no worries that he's married, it makes me cool to be this man's mistress.' and my favorite, 'i'm alright' - when the truth was, i felt my entire world falling apart. yeah. true lies i told myself. to keep the façade of the girl who has her shit together going. i know.
it got to the point where i couldn't even trust myself anymore. i'd talk myself out of what i knew was true. pretend that what was happening, wasn't really... 'were my eyes deceiving me when i saw him with that other woman?' 'did i hear my so-called best friend talking shit about me, in my face?' 'nah, couldn't have been. i must be tripping.' because if i weren't, then it would mean that i've made poor choices. and i would have to admit that i've made mistakes. and this all means that i shouldn't be with him/friends with her... and who wants to admit all of that? which would mean, fuck... i'm not perfect! which, as much as i wanted to believe my life to be perfect, at the time, i thought it was easier to fake it til i became it. ha! i know!
fake and false pretenses in order to preserve an image just became too much work. much more than the work i had to do in order to unravel the events of my childhood that made pretense my default. i can't even begin to tell you how my life is so much better since i stopped lying to myself. i've had to face a lot of truths that i'd denied from my past.
and it's become quite a harrowing process. but/and. on the other side, i am beyond unwilling to shine shit. if it sucks, i am strong enough to admit it and walk the fuck away. anything that calls for me to put on a brave face means that i am being a coward, wearing an ill-fitting mask. any situation that requires insincerity, faking it, a lack of integrity...
i must honor myself and accept the fucking truth. which means choosing me. and maybe shattering another's expectation of me. which i've become more than okay with. i find it much easier being my authentic self than being something for everyone...
i say all of this stuff about myself to remind you to honor yourself and how/what you feel. if something doesn't feel right, be honest with yourself. be brave enough to tell yourself the truth everyday in every situation. just as you would a friend if they found themselves in places you find yourself, tell you the truth. how you feel. fuck how it looks. because looks often deceive and always change.
the truth is, if nothing else, consistent. i will not lie to you and say that the truth is not painful. i can assure you that it will never be as painful as eroding the relationship with the person you will spend the most time with in this lifetime: you. you are so worth it... and that's truth!